If Only Memories Could Be Erased As Easily
by zahri
Summary: ELF/Angst. This story deals with depression, suicide, and abuse. Now finished.
1. Finding Secrets

This is AU, simply for the fact that Tony and Westphalen are not in the same season. This was brought to my attention by Morgan. Thank you. Also, thanks go out to JediK1 for mentioning that Tony never calls him "Lucas", rather, he calls him "Luke". And, thank you Nain, for pointing out that I had no distinguishing marks when it came to the characters' thoughts. These are the changes that have been brought to my attention for Chapters 1 & 2 as of 06/01/01. Thank you!  
  
  
  
If Only Memories Could Be Erased As Easily  
  
Lucas ran his hands through his hair self-consciously as he stood near Darwin. The dolphin glided effortlessly through the waters of the moon pool, chirping happily.  
  
"Lucas play?" the dolphin asked hopefully. His sleek gray head lifted up out of the water as he waited for the reply of Lucas. The water sparkled a soft cyan as miniscule waves were created by the Darwin's movement.  
  
"Not now, Darwin," Lucas replied regretfully. "I have some work to do." Darwin splashed Lucas lightly and slipped back into the water.  
  
"Hey!" Lucas cried. "No fair getting me wet before my shift!" Lucas grinned and turned, his footsteps echoing as he walked out of the room.   
  
He passed several crewmembers in the corridor. Each waved hello to the 16 year old, and Lucas exchanged a quiet smile with each. Making a last-second decision, Lucas turned and headed back to his room, needing to get a few things before he went on duty.  
  
"Hey Tony," he replied to the still-dozing form. "Just came back to get some things before I went on the bridge." A grunt was his only answer.  
  
Lucas snickered lightly, grabbed his stuff, whispered quietly, "See you later, Tony. Don't forget to wake up in time for duty."  
  
Tony grunted once more and rolled over.  
  
*~*   
  
Lucas eyed his meal, hoping it would just disappear. 'It wasn't very good today,' he thought with sarcasm. 'Or the day before, or the day before that...'  
  
"Hey Lucas," a cheerful voice greeted him from behind. "Mind if I sit here?" Lucas didn't even have to turn to know who the voice was from.  
  
"Hi, Captain. Sure, take a seat." He grinned up at Bridger as he sat down.  
  
"Food not too good today?" Bridger asked.  
  
Lucas shook his head. "Not really."  
  
"Lucas..." Bridger said in a warning tone.  
  
Lucas stiffened, but Bridger continued, "Kiddo, you haven't been eating much lately. I asked Doctor Westphalen to check you out. Seems you missed your annual physical, as well."  
  
"Sir... I don't really have the time to go down there right now. Duty and all... Don't forget that I have to work with Darwin, too," he feebly continued.  
  
"I already arranged for you to have the morning off from duty. Now go, before I have to make it an order!" Bridger said threateningly.  
  
Lucas sighed. "Yes, sir." As he turned to go, Bridger spoke again, softer this time.  
  
"Lucas, wait," Bridger called out. "You know I wouldn't do this if I didn't care about you," Bridger added quietly.  
  
"Yes, Captain. I know." With that, Lucas turned to leave the room, his steps slower, as if he was going off to meet his death.  
  
*~*  
  
Lucas found himself in his room instead of getting himself checked out by the doctor. Thankfully, Tony was on duty for a bit longer, and Lucas had the room to himself.  
  
In seconds, Lucas booted up his computer and hacked into the medical database. It was quite easy, really. Not much protection. Well, not enough to keep him out, anyway.  
  
He called up his file. Westphalen herself had never really checked him out, yet. This particular file was from another, private doctor. One whom his father had probably paid off to stay quiet. Slowly he typed out each letter of his name until his entire name flashed before his eyes. Each letter was a heartache in itself; put together, they made him feel miserable.  
  
His finger shaking, he pressed enter. His file stood out, and quickly he went past all of the "age/height/color of eyes" crap and went down to the section entitled NOTES.  
  
NOTES: This subject displays a fairly common case of abuse. Bruised ribs, a few black eyes, and countless hospital visits attest to his injured body. Two broken fingers within a span of one year, and a broken wrist, of which he replied, "I only fell down the stairs. I only fell down the stairs," quiet stubbornly to me when I asked about it. All evidence points to his father, but for a figure of such substantial rank to be accused of such a hideous crime... Even if I brought the case under light, he would merely pay off everyone involved with the case. And I would probably lose my job. But... this kid has suffered a variety of injuries. Most include broken or sprained arms/fingers. Once, he was brought in with a major head trauma, to the local hospital. It's a wonder he survived. And he still stubbornly says he only falls... It is the worst case I have ever seen of abuse.  
  
Lucas sighed, and pressed down hard on the BACK key, tears trickling down his face as the words slowly disappeared from his view.   
  
NOTES: This subject displays a fairly common case of abuse. Bruised ribs, a few black eyes, and countless hospital visits attest to his injured body. Two broken fingers within a span of one year, and a broken wrist, of which he replied, "I only fell down the stairs. I only fell down the stairs," quiet stubbornly to me when I asked about it. All evidence points to his father, but for a figure of such substantial rank to be accused of such a hideous crime... Even if I brought the case under light, he would merely pay off everyone involved with the case. And I would probably lose my job. But... this kid has suff  
  
NOTES: This subject displays a fairly common case of abuse. Bruised ribs, a few black eyes, and countless hospital visits attest to his injured body. Two broken fingers within a span of one year, and a broken wrist, of which he replied, "I only fell down the stairs. I only fell down the stairs," quiet stubbornly to me when I asked about it. All evidence points to his father, but for  
  
NOTES: This subject displays a fairly common case of abuse. Bruised ribs, a few black eyes, and countless hospital visits attest to his injured body. Two broken  
  
NOTES: This subject displays a fairly common case of abuse. Bruised ribs  
  
NOTES: This subject displays   
  
NOTE  
  
And whiteness met his eyes where the words once were. Sighing, he ran his hands through his hair as he closed his eyes, struggling against his inner demons.  
  
If only he could erase his memories as easily... Just press a button, and watch them disappear. Forever.  
  
"Luke?" a small voice asked. Lucas jumped and turned, almost falling out of his chair.  
  
"What are you doing?" Tony asked, trying to peer over the shoulder of Lucas.  
  
"Nothing," Lucas answered defensively. He quickly hit save and the X button, exiting the file. He only breathed a sigh of relief when the accursed file disappeared from sight.  
  
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see Doctor Westphalen," Lucas said as he brushed past Tony.  
  
Tony bewilderedly looked at the now-closed door as he took in Lucas' abrupt leave. Shrugging, he turned to walk further into the room.  
  
'This place was a mess', he thought slowly. 'Why not clean it up for Luke?' He would make it a present for Lucas.  
  
He rooted through stacks of papers as he tried to make sense of the whirlwind that was Lucas.   
  
As he lifted up a page of paper and opened one of Lucas' drawers to stick it in, he stared in shock at the sight that was before him.  
  
Bottle after bottle of pills lay strewn on the bottom of the drawer, ranging from pain medication to anti-depressants.   
  
"Oh, Luke," he moaned. "What have you been doing to yourself?"  
  
  
tbc  



	2. Growing concern

This is AU, simply for the fact that Tony and Westphalen are not in the same season. This was brought to my attention by Morgan. Thank you. Also, thanks go out to JediK1 for mentioning that Tony never calls him "Lucas", rather, he calls him Luke. And, thank you Nain, for pointing out that I had no distinguishing marks when it came to the characters' thoughts. These are the changes that have been brought to my attention for Chapters 1 & 2 as of 06/01/01. Thank you!  
  
  
If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 2]  
  
  
  
Lucas swung his legs as he sat impatiently on the bed. He asked, "Are you done yet, Doctor?"  
  
"Almost, Lucas," Westphalen replied patiently. She felt along his ribs lightly, surprised when Lucas flinched.  
  
"What do we have here?" she asked, almost to herself as she felt along his ribs again.  
  
"Nothing," Lucas answered defensively. "I probably just hit it against something hard." He combed his fingers through his hair as he avoided her eyes.  
  
"Right," she replied, sounding as if she didn't believe his story for one second. "And why haven't you been eating much, might I ask?" she asked softly.  
  
Lucas shrugged. "You can tell?" He sighed softly, continuing, "Well, you know how much the food sucks here," he barbed weakly.  
  
"Lucas...." she warned. Lucas felt a sense of déjà vu, remembering the Captain using the same tone and words.  
  
"Look, I'm fine, okay? Why don't you all just leave me alone?" he snapped as he pushed himself off the bed in attempt to leave.  
  
He swayed, swearing softly under his breath. He hoped she hadn't seen that.  
  
But she had. And her expression turned from sympathy to concern in an instant.  
  
"Lucas, don't make me order you to stay here," she said softly. She reached out a hand to steady his arm as he walked past.  
  
"I'm fine," he whispered as he shrugged off her help and left slowly.  
  
"I doubt it," she whispered just as softly as the door closed behind the retreating form. "And I bet the Captain doubts it too."  
  
*~*  
  
Tony paced the small confines of the room he and Lucas shared, worried. He wasn't sure when Lucas was due back from the Doctor. Hell, he wasn't even sure if Lucas would come here after he was done.  
  
His questions were answered as the door slid open to reveal a very angry, tired looking Lucas. He glanced up at Tony, his expression shifting to one of regret.  
  
Lucas slid into his bed without a word, turning his back to Tony. Silence echoed throughout the room as Tony tried to decide what to say.  
  
"Luke, we need to talk," he said, finally.  
  
"You and half the ship," a muffled voice muttered. "Just leave me alone, okay? I'm sick of being harassed."  
  
'Harassed? When was he being harassed?' Tony thought bewilderedly.   
  
"You okay there, Luke?" Tony asked.  
  
Lucas stiffened, and slowly spoke out his next sentence, "Yes, what makes you think I'm not?"  
  
"Well, umm.. you seem really angry lately, and you haven't eaten much.." Tony stopped his list as he watched Lucas cringe. "Come on, any fool knows you haven't been eating. Especially me, because I always see you down there playing with your food, or here, refusing to eat."  
  
"And," Tony added softly, "These." He held out his hand to show a few bottles of pills as Lucas turned to see what he was talking about.  
  
All of the blood drained out of Lucas's face as he realized what Tony had found. "Tony, why did you go through my stuff?" he asked, too tired to be angry.  
  
Tony shrugged. "I wanted to clean your side of the room. I thought it'd make you happy. I went to place some stray papers in the desk and when I opened the drawer..." He watched Lucas's expression carefully as it switched from stunned, to regretful, and finally back to angry.  
  
"Well, you shouldn't have done that," Lucas said as he turned back over to face the wall. "I didn't give you permission," he added, softer. "I didn't give anyone permission to care."  
  
"Luke," Tony said. "I am your friend, and as your friend, I am entitled to caring what you are doing to yourself. Now... are you going to explain, or am I going to have to get the Captain on your case to get this resolved?" Tony asked.  
  
Lucas stiffened and turned back, asking simply, "What do you want to know?"  
  
"Everything," Tony decided. "I already had someone else take my shift so we could talk."  
  
Lucas sighed and sat up, facing Tony. Tony cringed inwardly as he noted that Lucas's eyes held none of the usual spark they normally did. They were empty, devoid of life, and full of despair.  
  
"Well..." Lucas began.  
  
*~*  
  
Westphalen sighed, unsure of what to do about Lucas. She paced her office slowly, thinking over the matter.  
  
Finally, she decided to tell Bridger. He appeared in the room a few minutes later, looking quizzically at her.  
  
"What is it? Is it about Lucas?" he asked.   
  
'He is good', Westphalen thought.  
  
"Yes. I just finished examining him," she said quietly.  
  
"And what did you find?" The concern was evident in his voice. 'He really did care about this boy', she marveled. 'And no wonder. They had grown so close of late.'  
  
"He had some bruised ribs. And he isn't eating enough. I tried to get him to stay here, but he refused. I was going to visit him later to check up on him," she concluded.  
  
"Well, I kind of knew about the eating thing... but I didn't know about the bruised ribs. What bruised ribs?" he asked.  
  
"I don't know," she said as she shrugged. "He insists that he doesn't know where he got them from, and refuses to tell me anything else."  
  
"Well, he was on shore leave a few times recently, but I didn't know him wincing or acting like he was in any pain at all when he got back," Bridger replied quietly.  
  
"He's a very quiet boy, Bridger. He probably didn't want anyone to know he was in pain, so he simply refused to show it." She looked at Bridger, noting the concern growing in his eyes.  
  
"Why would he hide something like this?" Bridger asked, the pain evident in his voice.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe he just wanted to not make you worry. And you know how you can worry about Lucas." She laughed softly, but it sounded forced, devoid of any humor. She sighed and continued, "I was going to go see him later. But maybe if you have the time, you can go check up on him now, tell him that I'll be around tonight to see how he is doing."  
  
Bridger nodded. "Of course, I'll go do that. Thank you, Doctor." He turned to leave.  
  
"Captain?" she asked, just before Bridger got to the door.  
  
"Let me know how it goes, okay?" she questioned.  
  
"Will do. Now if you'll excuse me..." With that, Bridger turned and left.  
  
Westphalen sighed and got back to her work, but she found her mind drifted back to Lucas all the time.  
  
'What kind of trouble had he gotten himself in?' she thought grimly.  
  
tbc  



	3. Finding Lucas

If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 3]   
  
Note: (This scene with Tony and Lucas takes place at the same time that the Doctor summoned Bridger.)  
  
*~*  
  
  
Lucas sighed as he glanced up at Tony, noting his haggard expression and growing concern in his eyes. His eyes seemed to plead with Lucas, asking him to tell him all his secrets and all his pain.  
  
Lucas shook his head to clear his mind of its cobwebs and winced as he placed his left palm against his sweating forehead. The coldness of his skin was a momentary refreshment at best.  
  
"Well, a year or so before I came on SeaQuest, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. All "hushhush", mind you. It would hurt my father's reputation if any of the reporters found out," his cheeks blushed in embarrassment as he quietly spoke, refusing to meet Tony's eyes.  
  
At Tony's continued silence, he rushed on ahead, forcing himself to get it all over with as quickly as possible. "When my father found out, he got mad. Very mad. And he... did stuff. Physical, as well as mental stuff." Lucas said the last two words so quietly that Tony had to lean forward to hear his remark.  
  
Tony's raised an eyebrow, asking simply, "Did he touch you, Luke?" Lucas shook   
his head meekly as he drew in a shuddered breath.  
  
"No. Not like that. But he'd hurt me. You remember the last shore leave, right?"   
  
Tony nodded in agreement, his eyes darkening as he finally put the facts together - Lucas disappearing, only to come back seemingly injured, though he hid it well from the crew.  
  
"And the nightmares?" Tony asked quietly.  
  
Lucas looked up in surprise, meeting his friends eyes for the first time.  
  
"Nightmares?" he asked slowly, forming each syllable of the word as if they were their own word in and of themselves. "You...knew?" he asked carefully, balancing each word.  
  
Tony nodded, sadly. "But I didn't hear them all. Only enough to know something was up, but I wasn't sure what." Tony ran his fingers through his hair, and quietly asked, his voice a mere whisper of hinted pain, "Lucas?"  
  
Lucas looked at Tony's expression - his eyes were masked in clouds of angry remorse. "Yeah?"  
  
"I'm sorry that I didn't ask you what was going on before, Luke. I mean... I thought it was your own private business, that I shouldn't interfere. But the signs have always been there, for me. I just chose to ignore them. I thought what I was doing was right. And I was so wrong." He sighed, ashamed. "I'm sorry," he repeated once more, much softer.  
  
"It was my own private business," Lucas retorted. "But... thank you, for everything." He signed and stood up. His words were whisper soft, his posture hinting at defeat as he walked over to the entrance to their shared room. "I'm going to go clear my head, man. I'll be back later, okay?" Tony nodded, worried, but held back his tongue.  
  
"See you soon, Lucas." And with that, Lucas quietly stepped out, his form retreating as his footsteps echoed the halls, getting softer and softer as distance was put between him and Tony.  
  
*~*  
  
Bridger found his pace quicker than normal as he hurried to Lucas' room. He barely noted the crewmembers that said hello as he passed, his mind intently focusing on getting the full - and entire - story from Lucas as soon as possible.  
  
'The corridors seem longer now that I have to hurry to my destination,' the Captain thought with a sigh.  
  
His thoughts were a jumbled mess. 'Damnit, I knew something was up,' he chastised himself. 'I knew... But I didn't push him hard enough.'  
  
'Don't be so hard on yourself, Nathan,' another voice replied from the gray matter of his tortured mind. 'How do you know that your pushing him hard wouldn't result in him falling off the edge, and into the abyss, never to be seen or heard from again?'  
  
Bridger sighed as he doubled his pace even more than before. He was not yet running, but he was close. It was a brisk pace, a powerwalk, if you will. His shoes made clanking sounds as he rushed to Lucas' room, but he ignored them.  
  
Finally, he saw his goal in sight. He hurried to his door, not waiting to see if anyone was there.  
  
"Lucas?" he asked before the door was even completely open.  
He stopped short as he noticed Tony sitting against the wall, his shoulders slumped and his eyes closed. At the sound of Bridger's entrance, he whipped his head up and studied the Captain intently.  
  
"Oh, Captain, Sir." He stood up on wobbly legs, trying to come to attention quickly.  
  
"At ease," Nathan said quickly. 'I'll have none of that right now,' he thought to himself with an inward sigh. "I just came to see where Lucas was."  
  
"Oh, Lucas." Tony sat back down, rubbing his temple with his finger gently before speaking. "He went somewhere to clear his head."  
  
"Do you know where?" Bridger asked softly, trying to keep the concern out of his voice as he spoke gently.  
  
Tony shook his head quietly as he leaned back again. 'Must be tired,' Bridger thought to himself.  
  
"Are you okay, Tony?" the Captain asked gently, hoping that his use of Tony's first name would give him a better response.   
  
Tony nodded without opening his eyes. "Yes, sir. I have a headache. It's been a long day..." he spoke quietly. "I have a great many things to think about, Captain."  
  
'You and I both,' Bridger thought to himself. Out loud, he said, "Perhaps you should go see the doctor before you returned to duty."  
  
"I took today off, sir." Bridger assumed that Tony took the day off because he didn't feel well, not realizing Tony took the day off for Lucas.  
  
"Very well. Get a good night's sleep tonight." He quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him.  
  
*~*  
  
Lucas closed his eyes as he gently guided a hand through the calm waters of the moonpool. He didn't know where Darwin was, but he was enjoying the silence right now.  
  
The gentle flow of water soothed his soul, although it didn't heal it.  
  
'Nothing could,' Lucas thought bitterly.  
  
He opened his eyes, letting himself be lost in the cyan color of the water as it sparkled from the lighting. He gently lifted up his hand, letting the tiny droplets of water seep through his fingers as he brought the hand to his face, wiping it gently against his face.  
  
Suddenly, he flung his hand into the water, causing a huge spray of water to land on the other side of the moonpool.  
  
...And on an officer's shoes. He looked up quickly, ready to apologize for his angry outburst that was supposed to be private, when he recognized the person before him.  
  
"Turning into Darwin?" Bridger joked hoarsely, realizing that the joke seemed hollow to them both right now. He sighed very softly under his breath and took a small step closer.  
  
"Kiddo, we need to talk..." He phrased it as bluntly as he could, hoping to get through to Lucas.  
  
"No we don't. I have had enough shrinks," Lucas replied angrily. "Why won't everyone just leave me alone! I can deal with this myself!" He stood up as he slowly spoke the last sentence, taking a step away from the Captain with each word. He turned and fled the room.  
  
He didn't even look back, keeping his eyes forward as he ran.  
  
Nathan sighed to himself and walked closer to the pool, opting not to follow the distraught boy. 'Not yet,' he added. 'I need to give him time to open up to me.'  
  
He stepped around a few puddles that Lucas had inadvertently created with his outburst, and, just like Lucas had done moments before privately, gently placed his fingertips into the water, letting the coolness of the water touch his skin.  
  
He tried to grasp the cold water in his hands, but it stubbornly refused to be held, to be brought close to the saddened Captain. Time after time, it slipped out of his fingers, until finally, in frustration, the Captain gave up and wiped the droplets of remaining water onto the pants of his uniform.  
  
'Why does that remind me of Lucas?' he thought as he sighed loudly, not caring who heard.   
  
And he walked away, leaving the room as quietly as he entered. Only the puddles on the floor stayed behind to remind anyone of what had happened just then.   
  
And in time, they too would disappear.  
  
  
tbc  
  
  
  



	4. Running from the pain

If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 4]   
  
Pacing back and forth in his room, Tony thought back to what Lucas had told him. He drew in a shaky breath as he realized the abuse Lucas had gone through and was continuing to go through.  
  
'And all the signs I missed...' Tony mused. 'I chose to ignore them.' He sighed softly, the sound echoing in the silence that followed.  
  
The door opened, allowing a very tired Lucas to enter.  
  
Glancing up sharply, Tony allowed a bit of relief to show on his face as he took a step closer to the tired teen.  
  
However, Lucas raised a hand up to fend off Tony, whispering, "Not now, Tony. Not now. I need space." He slowly walked over to his bed, his shoulders slumped as he crawled onto it.  
  
Ignoring Lucas' request, Tony asked softly, "What just happened to you, Luke?" Lucas shrugged without sending so much as a glance to Tony's direction.  
  
"Captain wanted to speak with me," he said calmly, as if he were calm before the impending storm.  
  
'And what a big storm it will be,' thought Tony. 'I just hope it goes away before it hits full strength...'  
  
"About what?" Tony inquired out loud.   
  
Lucas shot him a exasperated look, asking, "You HAVE to ask?" Tense exhaustion showed on every line of his face as he rubbed his eyes tiredly.  
  
"I guess not," Tony added softly, trying not to upset him more. "What did he have to say?"  
  
"I don't know," Lucas mumbled. "I didn't stick around to ask."  
  
"What?" Tony asked. "And he just let you go?"  
  
Lucas shrugged. "Well...I'm glad he did," Lucas stubbornly replied. "I need my   
time away from him. He's always over my shoulder, asking me to do this, that, and everything else that needs to be done." He leaned back with a sigh, finally locking gaze with Tony.  
  
His once vibrant eyes were even more dull blue than the last time Tony had seen the kid; dark bags encircled them, evidence of his recent lack of sleep due to his nightmares. And he knew Lucas' nightmares very well.  
  
*~* [Flashback]  
  
Tossing and turning, Lucas mumbled incoherent things in his sleep as he continued in his merciless nightmare. Lucas' third moan forced Tony out of his deep sleep, and he sat up in bed wondering what had woke him.  
  
And then he heard it, and he knew. Lucas had been having nightmares for almost a week straight, and he refused to talk to Tony about it.   
  
However, Tony doubted that Lucas even remembered the fact that Tony tried to help him. When Tony tried to wake him up, Lucas thrashed about in his bed and continued to mumble. And when his sparkling blue eyes opened, they never focused on Tony; rather, they focused on the ceiling beyond Tony as his mouth opened in a silent scream.  
  
One night was particularly bad. Tony awoke with a start when he heard a deep moan from his friend's bed. When he arose to wake him, he found it harder then before.  
  
"Luke! Wake up, buddy!" Shaking him hard, Tony continued to quietly shout in his friend's ear, trying to pull him out of his indescribable nightmare.  
  
Lucas sat up quickly, taking Tony by surprise. His eyes focused on the wall as he struggled to pull himself to a full sitting position. After several fruitless attempts, he pushed himself over to the wall and began banging his head against the wall in slow, agonizing motion.  
  
Alarmed, Tony pulled Lucas from the wall quickly and pushed his body back on his bed. Sweat poured down on Lucas' face as he gasped for air, shaking uncontrollably.  
  
"What is it?" Tony asked him. "What is going on, Luke?" But there was no answer; there never was. Tony sighed and began his almost nightly vigil of his friend once more.  
  
*~* [Present Time]  
  
"So what are we going to do about this?" Tony finally asked, noting Lucas' expression at his uttering of the subject "we".  
  
"We?" Lucas asked slowly. "Why should I drag you into this?"  
  
Tony shrugged. "You already have, Luke. And besides, you're my friend. That's what friends are for." Lucas nodded silently.  
  
"I guess," Lucas remarked softly, playing with his shirt cuff. "But it's not like I really know what to do, anymore," he added.  
  
"Anymore? How long has this been going on, Luke?" Tony asked carefully.  
  
Silence between the two lasted for almost a full minute as Lucas struggled to answer Tony's question. "The abuse? I don't know. It's one of my first memories, Tony. But I'm better now, really." Even a child could see through Lucas' lie, although Tony decided to ignore it for now.  
  
"And why do you hide it? What has your father done to keep you from telling the truth?" Lucas shrugged, not meeting Tony's gaze as he answered.  
  
"If I told it would make no difference. He can hire any lawyer he wants to make sure he wins. He doesn't want me, he only uses me. Whenever we used to go out to big dinners, he would show me off and parade me around like I was a prized possession." Lucas paused, pondering. "That was why I was so happy to come to SeaQuest, although it was a difficult change."  
  
A sudden thought came to Tony as he asked softly, "Lucas, what were you doing on the computer when I came in the other day? When you quickly saved your file and exited?"  
  
"I was erasing my current medical file." Pain echoed on Lucas' face as he remembered what the file contained. "So that Westphalen wouldn't know."  
  
Tony remarked, "Oh. Where else have you pulled that 'trick'?"  
  
Lucas looked up sharply but did not answer Tony's question, opting instead to attempt to stand.  
  
As he did, his legs buckled out from under him, causing him to stumble. Tony raced over and reached a hand under Lucas' arm to help him steady himself. He couldn't help but note the wince that resulted on Lucas face as Tony gripped Lucas' wrist tightly.  
  
"Sorry," Tony said softly. "I was just trying to help. Why does your wrist hurt?" In response, Lucas yanked back his wrist from Tony's prying fingers and attempted to hide it behind his back.  
  
"What did your father do to your wrist?" Tony rephrased the question as he tried to get at Lucas' wrist.   
  
Lucas only shook his head, mumbling, "I've told you enough, Tony. More than enough. I will regret it tomorrow." Lucas sighed softly and turned to move past him, but he was too slow.  
  
Tony grabbed Lucas' wrist in an iron grip and slowly pushed the kid's shirt cuff up past his arm.  
  
To his dismay, he noticed the intricate scars slowly crisscrossing across Lucas' wrist with a sigh.  
  
"Lucas... What have you done?" He muttered.  
  
"Let me go," Lucas cried as he tried to pull free from Tony. "Let me go," he repeated, vigorously trying to pull his wrist free from Tony's grip once more.  
  
"I can't, Lucas. We have to go see Westphalen. It might be infected." Lucas shook his head sharply.  
  
"No, I refuse." Lucas turned his head away as a single tear fell down his cheek, refusing to allow Tony to see.  
  
"Sorry, Luke, we have to go see her. There's no other way. You're sick. Sicker than I thought. I'm sorry for not seeing it sooner." He led Lucas through the door and out into the corridor. Relaxing his grip just enough to close the door, he took his eye off Lucas for just one moment.  
  
And that one moment was all that Lucas needed.   
  
He broke off in a run, darting his way between a group of crewmembers on their break, stammering out apologies as he ripped past, with Tony on his heels.  
  
Tony swore as he tried to keep up with the kid as he dodged through the corridors, but he knew he was losing ground. Lucas obviously knew where he was going, and Tony didn't.  
  
And then the kid was gone. Tony jogged up to where he had seen him last, and found himself at a junction, with three choices for him to choose from.  
  
'Oh, man. I have to find him, and soon,' Tony thought desperately as he chose a corridor at random: the middle one.  
  
And the race was on to find Lucas before Lucas found his destination.  
  
  
  
tbc  



	5. Waiting in the Shadows

Sorry for the delay.. My fault :)  
  
If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 5]   
  
  
Running blindly down the corridor, Lucas didn't even stop when he slammed into an officer. He hobbled for a few steps as he tried to untangle himself from the fallen officer, and kept running.  
He didn't know where he was going, only that he was running out of time. 'I have to hurry,' Lucas thought desperately. 'But where do I go? What do I do? He knows my secret!'  
When he stopped to catch his breath, he realized with a start that he heard Tony's footsteps behind him and catching up fast. Muttering under his breath, he chose the first door he came to and opened it.   
Stepping inside, he prayed that it would close without Tony noticing. Sweat poured down his face as he stood there shaking like a leaf. He listened as the footsteps got louder and louder...  
And quickly receded into the distance.   
Tony had not heard the noise.  
Lucas took this opportunity to take a look at his surroundings. He found himself in a dimly lit storeroom packed with boxes and boxes. Sighing, he sank down next to a large box and tried to take in gulps of precious oxygen.   
Fear gripped his heart as he realized everyone would know what he had done to himself recently. The scars on his wrist would eventually fade, but the scars on his heart never would. Tears streaked down his face as he banged the back of his head up against the box cursing himself for failing.  
  
*~*  
  
Tony muttered as he realized he was without a clue as to where Lucas currently was. He went to his next plan: go see Dr. Westphalen. And so he did. He only hoped that she could somehow help. If anyone could...  
She barely glanced up as he came through the door, obviously very busy tending to her newest patient. "Doctor," he started to say.  
"Tony, can't see you see I am very busy? Unless it's an emergency, I don't want to hear it!" she snapped without looking up.  
"It's an emergency," Tony said simply. "It's about Lucas." The doctor motioned for her assistant to take over and led Tony into her office, closing the door behind them.  
  
*~*  
  
Lucas tapped his fingers against his hunched up knees in rhythm to the ominous beating of his frantic heart. The heaviness of his heart weighed down on him at this particular moment. He felt like he could suffocate at any given moment.  
He raised a hand to his face, and felt the tears that lined his cheeks. A small shudder racked his body as he brought his head to his knees. After several seconds, a small whimpering came from his lips as he attempted to keep his anguish quiet. He didn't want his hiding place to be found. By now they must have the entire boat searching for him, he reckoned...  
He didn't even have the energy to move right now. He kept his back hunched over as he gripped his two hands together in front of his knees, rocking back and forth with an occasional cry that gave away the pain his soul felt. A pain so fresh and hurtful that he imagined no one else could hurt worse than he, right now. He was alone in the world.  
So very alone...  
  
*~*  
  
Doctor Westphalen's assistant looked up as the door to her office opened. Out stepped a very stressed looking doctor. Tony came out from behind her, his step noticeably slower, shame evident in his eyes.  
"I'm going to need you to look after this patient," Doctor Westphalen stated to the assistant. "That okay?"  
The assistant nodded, and watched with a puzzled frown as the door closed behind the two.  
She didn't know Lucas very well, but she knew something had to be up. Shrugging, she returned back to her work of mending this patient. She still had a job to do, mystery or no mystery.  
  
*~*  
  
"Okay, so..." Dr. Westphalen said slowly. "You think Lucas is in danger of hurting himself?" she asked.  
Tony nodded, keeping his eyes cast downward as they briskly walked. "I ran after him, and he got away. I don't know where he's at. I thought you'd know, since you're so close to him..." he trailed off.  
"Why didn't you ask the Captain?" Dr. Westphalen asked. "Not that asking me was a bad idea, but I was just wondering," she added as they walked down the corridor.  
Tony shrugged. "You were a closer walk than he was."  
She nodded, silently accepting his answer. Taking a deep breath, she replied "Well, we'd better find him. And I have an idea of where at he's hiding."  
  
*~*  
  
Lucas gripped the edges of his shirt between his fingers, mindlessly playing with them. Time seemed to have stood still in this little hiding place of his. Hidden partially behind boxes, it would be hard for a person to find him in this room unless they were directly searching for him and knew what to look for.  
Sighing, he pushed down the cuff of his shirt and stared at his wrist. The veins in it were deep blue, almost purple in color. The scars formed intricate patterns that gracefully danced around his veins. He longed for something sharp. He refused to fail again.  
He wasn't even sure how he failed the first time, only that he wussed out and tried to stop the bleeding himself. That was how no one knew what had happened to him - he simply hid the marks beneath the cuffs of his shirt. And eventually all that was left were faint scars.  
He knew he had to move soon. He doubted he could stay here forever.  
As if on cue, the door to the room opened, and in stepped the doctor and Tony. He shrank back, trying to make himself into a tiny little ball, hoping against hope he was not seen.  
If they found him now, they would stop him. And he didn't want that. He held his breath, waiting for the inevitable signal that he had been found.  
  
  
tbc  
  
  



	6. A Life Lost

If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 6]   
  
Lucas peeked out between the two large boxes, noticing just how close the doctor and Tony were to his hiding position. He breathed softly, trying to not make any noise to draw them to his hiding place.  
  
An eternity seemed to pass as the seconds ticked by. The doctor swept her eyes across the room before signaling to Tony to check another room. The door closed behind them as Lucas let out a deep breath of relief and a choked sob.  
  
'I can't keep doing this,' he thought to himself. He rubbed his wrists against the sides of his temples, sighing softly.   
  
The darkness in the room seemed to pull at him, begging him to come closer. It promised him peace from his current pain. It was all he could do to try and resist it. It had been tugging at his heart for weeks now, ever since he got back from his first shore leave. He remembered the shore leave well.   
  
*~*  
  
His father had decided... well, he had decided Lucas was a punching bag. And his body only proved that fact. Bruises and sore ribs were carefully hidden beneath layers of clothes. He carefully positioned himself away from people who would want to touch him innocently. Hugs were unbearable, and it was all he could do sometimes not to grimace in pain.  
  
His father's words echoed in his mind: "You good-for-nothing son! I get you a position on that boat and you don't even thank me for it!" He screamed in Lucas' ear as he pulled him by his hair to his knees.  
  
Lucas mumbled, "You didn't want me around. Why do I thank someone who doesn't even want me around?" This comment only earned him a slap across the face.  
  
"Of course I want you around! Who else would I parade around like a puppet?" his father spoke harshly as he grinned wickedly at him. "And this puppet has been bad. Time to cut its strings..." His next words were drown out by the screams of horror echoing throughout the room, all of them coming from Lucas.  
  
*~*  
  
Lucas rubbed his eyes as he tried to shoo the memories away. They had been tormenting him ever since he got back on SeaQuest. He couldn't take anymore pitying looks sent his way by the Captain and the rest of the crew. They just thought he was restless. Lucas laughed a cruel laugh devoid of any sort of humor. It felt like a dry scraping at the bottom of his throat. They could be no further from the truth, even if it had been staring them in the face!  
  
Which it practically HAD been, with Lucas' scars barely visible once. The Captain had noticed, but Lucas had told him that he simply hurt himself by falling out of bed a few weeks ago. 'And he had bought it!' Lucas thought angrily. 'Who would buy that? Unless the Captain wanted to ignore it,' Lucas realized.  
  
"Face the facts, genius," Lucas muttered under his breath. "Maybe the Captain doesn't want you around either. Maybe that's why he's pretending like he doesn't know what's going on. He'll hope your father will kill you and be done with it!" Lucas whispered fiercely to himself.  
  
He knew he was being unfair to the Captain, but he didn't care anymore. He just wanted the pain to stop, so he blamed the pain on anyone he could. He blamed the pain on his father for causing it, and he blamed the pain on the people of SeaQuest for ignoring it. 'Surely they would have realized what was going on by now?' Lucas thought with a sigh. And then he remembered something that hurt him; the one chance he had of letting someone realize something was wrong was taken away when Lucas deleted his medical files so that the Doctor would not think anything was wrong. It was his fault no one knew. His fault alone.  
  
He barely noticed the tears the fell down his dirty cheeks as he realized this or the shaking hands that gripped the edge of the box closest to him. He only knew one thing now: he needed the pain to stop. The irrational, illogical pain that haunted his soul for what seemed like an eternity.  
  
"Make it stop," he whispered to the walls. But the walls did not answer back. He walked over to the door and opened it, carefully checking both ways before he stepped out. He knew where he was going, he only hoped he wouldn't run into anyone who would detain him because they knew the whole ship was looking for him.  
He tried not to make his presence known, as he willed himself not to run back to his room. He only let himself move at a fast walk. He knew that that still probably sent suspicions racing through people's minds, but he decided if anyone stopped them he would simply tell them he was working on a new program that wasn't working right and needed to get back to his room to get the rest of the data before it died on him.  
  
Miraculously, no one stopped him on the way to his room. Just his luck that the halls were mostly empty. He wasn't sure what time it was, but he was thankful just the same. Now he needed just one more miracle. He opened the door to his room, praying that Tony was not in there. If he was, then Lucas was in big trouble.  
  
He breathed a sign of relief as he found the room empty, just the way he had left it. The papers were still stacked on his desk, in complete disorder.  
  
He needed to do one more thing before he did anything else. He called up one of his old computer programs, aptly called Security113-A, and started the program. He watched as the numbers flashed by his screen, booting it up. Within seconds he had a schematic of the ship. So far, all he had been able to work on was the residential rooms. But that was all he needed... He punched in his room code, telling the computer to zoom in on his room.   
  
Enter Security Code:   
  
flashed on his screen. With shaking hands, he closed his eyes and typed in a long string of random numbers and pressed enter. After waiting a few seconds, he opened his eyes and realized the screen now read something new.  
  
Security Code Confirmed. Please enter code again to lift the code from this room.  
  
He knew that would only buy him a little bit of time. It was an old code that he had constructed when he first got here, out of boredom. The DeCrypt1A program the crew would use on his room would take a bit to figure out the right code. He himself didn't even know what it was.   
  
There was no turning back now. No regrets.  
  
He doubted anyone would find him in time, anyway. No one even really cared. But the logical part of him reminded him that if no one cared, why were Tony and the Doctor racing across the ship to try and stop him? They knew what he was going to do. And now so did he.  
  
Opening his drawer, he pulled out a pill bottle and opened it, the top popping off. He spilled pills all over his hand as he stared at them greedily. There was no more time for logical thinking now. Based on the drug effects, he realized he would have about 5 to 10 minutes before he passed out. Just enough time to relive the memories once more.  
  
He took a deep breath, rubbing his other free hand against his pants, trying to get the sweat off them before tipping his head back and swallowing a large handful of them dry.   
  
He sank to the ground in a fetal position, tears rolling down his cheeks. Oblivious to the real world, his lips formed words that barely passed out of them: "No, father, stop please...I'll be good. I promise!...I promise!" he cried out weakly.  
  
He rocked himself silently on the floor, his eyes squeezed shut against the horrors of the past as a dream-filled haze spoke in his ear of peace, of an ending to a life lost...  
  
  
  
  
tbc  



	7. Saving Lucas

If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 7]   
  
  
  
Tony ran his fingers through his hair as he let out a deep frustrated sigh. They had checked everywhere, it seemed. "What would Lucas do?" he whispered. And somehow the image of the bottles of anti-depressants filled his mind. "I'm an idiot!" he muttered, causing Kristin to give him a weird look.  
  
"What is it, Tony?" she asked.  
  
"I know where he's at! Come on!" he shouted behind his shoulder as he jogged back to his room.  
  
"He must have doubled back while we were out searching," Tony sighed. "I didn't even think of it!" he muttered as he raced up to his door.  
  
He attempted to push open the door, and when it didn't open he cursed out loud. "What the heck is going on?"  
  
Westphalen whispered softly, "I think our genius put a security code on the door."  
  
"Damnit!" Tony shouted, slapping his hand against the door. "Lucas! Answer me!" he yelled as he banged his fists against the cold, unforgiving metal. "Oh God... What have I done..." he whispered as he sank to the floor.  
  
The doctor placed a hand on his shoulder, replying "Tony, it's okay. We'll get a team to decipher the code."  
  
Westphalen made the necessary call to the Captain, telling him they needed people working on Lucas' door but not telling him why, only replying that he had better come down to see for himself.  
  
Anxious minutes passed as the two waited for the Captain and his team. Each held the same thoughts. Was Lucas dead? What if he wasn't in there at all, what if it was a ruse to distract them from searching more? But Tony refused to accept that. 'No, in my heart I know Lucas is in that room,' he thought confidently.   
  
Bridger jogged down the corridor, meeting them at the door. "What have we got?" he asked, his eyes darting back and forth between the Doctor and Tony. Tony was still lying on the floor, his eyes closed, muttering unintelligible comments to himself.   
  
"First, we need a team to decipher the code placed on this door as a security measure," the doctor replied. She looked to uncomfortable to say anymore, but the Captain pressed her.  
  
"Why?" he asked. "What is going on here? Where's Lucas?"  
  
"In there," Tony said with a wave of his hand.  
  
"Well... why doesn't he come out?" he asked.  
  
"We don't think he wants too, Captain," the doctor said softly.  
  
"And? Isn't the kid allowed a little bit of privacy now and then? Did he miss duty or something?" Confused, he looked at the two of his crew members again.  
  
"We... We think he did something to himself," Tony replied with a sigh.  
  
"Wh..What? Why would he do anything like that? You must be mistaken!" Bridger muttered angrily.   
  
"You..." Tony said, a tear running down his cheek. "You didn't see the evidence, the bottles... You didn't see..." Choked up, he was unable to finish his sentence.  
  
The Captain kneeled by the crestfallen officer. "What did you see?" he asked gently.  
  
"He has a whole stash of bottles in his room, sir. Mostly anti-depressants. And...And..." Tony's lip quivered as he spoke.  
  
"Go on, Tony," the Captain spoke softly, but firmly.  
  
"He had cuts..." Tony finished feebly.  
  
"Cuts? Where?" the doctor asked.  
  
"On his wrist. They look like scars... Freshly healed." Tony sighed.  
  
"Damnit!" the Captain cursed. "How far are you guys on the numbers?" he asked the officer standing behind him.  
  
"4 digits out of 6 are known, Sir. We're trying our best."  
  
"I know that, but please hurry!" the Captain ordered. He looked down as Tony moaned and hid his face in his hands.  
  
"It's all my fault," Tony whispered.  
  
Bridger laid a hand on his shoulder. "No, it's not Tony. None of us saw this coming," he whispered as he stole a glance at the door. "None of us."  
  
"Got it, Sir!" one of the officers said excitedly. His fingers flew as he typed in the appropriate code. The door opened, and Bridger hurried in.  
  
He wasn't sure what he was expecting to see, but it wasn't this. The room was a mess, papers everywhere. It looked like a tornado had ripped through the room. And amidst it all lay the body of his friend, unconscious to the outside world.  
  
His expression was one of pain; the drug must have caused a reaction inside him. Bridger wondered idly what else he had taken with the anti-depressants as he kneeled by the fallen boy. In his hand he clutched a blank piece of paper so hard that it had ripped into pieces where his nails struck it. Even unconscious you could tell he was suffering.  
  
"Let me help him," Westphalen said gently as she attempted to move Bridger out of the way for her medical team.   
  
'When had they got there?' he wondered to himself. He had been so preoccupied he hadn't even noticed.   
  
"Okay," the Captain said shakily, his voice tired and strained. And in his stomach he began to feel the first stirrings of fear for his young friend. 'I'm the Captain!' he thought angrily. 'I'm supposed to be stronger than this! But who could be strong at a time like this?'  
  
"Oh God," Kristin whispered without thinking. "His vitals are dropping!" A second later she shouted, "He stopped breathing!"  
  
And the fear which had just started in Bridger's chest grew to immense size. Indeed, he thought as he looked at Lucas. His chest had stopped rising and falling. Any minute now his lips would start to turn blue from lack of oxygen.  
  
'I already lost Robert! I can't lose you too, kid!' Bridger thought fiercely. 'Fight this!'  
  
But Bridger wasn't even sure Lucas wanted to fight this anymore. He had done this to himself willingly. And that was almost enough for Bridger to get down on his knees and weep openly right there. He was scared. He had to admit it. He could face down fleets of submarines and armies of terrorists, but he could not watch his friend die. He could not.  
  
'Fight this!' Bridger thought, willing the thought to enter the comatose boy's mind. But even as he helplessly watched, he realized the life was draining out of the boy. As the doctors frantically attempted to resuscitate the teenager, he noted with detached agony that his lips were turning blue. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.  
  
Lucas was dying...  
  
and it had been by his own hand.  
  
  
  
tbc  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. We'll get through this

If Only Memories Could Be Erased As Easily [Chapter 8]  
  
  
  
"Stop it, Captain," the doctor said with a thin, tense smile. "You're going to wear a hole in the floor if you don't stop pacing."  
  
Bridger glanced up. "Oh. Sorry. I guess I'm just so worried..." he said softly.  
  
"We all are," Kristin said.  
  
"How is he?" Bridger asked hoarsely as he looked up.  
  
"Stable, but still unconscious. We got most of it out of his system," she said.  
  
"Can I see him?" he asked as he peered through the glass at the unconscious figure on the bed.  
  
"I don't see why not." She led him to his bed, gave Bridger a reassuring squeeze on the hand, and then left the room so that they might have more privacy.  
  
Bridger sighed heavily, noting the paleness of his face and thinness of his body. 'Well, I should be thankful he's alive at all,' Bridger thought wearily.  
  
"I can't believe you did this, kiddo," Bridger said softly. "But I should have known better.. I ignored all the signs... Why didn't I listen to you?"  
  
"Well," Bridger whispered. "I had listened... to you telling me to leave you alone, that you were fine, that you just wanted space... And look where it got me?"  
  
Bridger placed his hand on top of Lucas' hand. "I'm sorry, Lucas. I never thought this would happen. I thought you were fine... just being a teenager. I guess I was wrong. I just guess the biggest question now is... Why? Why did you do this?" Bridger turned around for a moment and looked at his reflection in the glass, pondering the most recent events silently.  
  
"Captain..." a soft voice whispered from behind. Slowly, Bridger turned back to the form of Lucas. His eyes were still closed, but he had no doubt Lucas had uttered that word.  
  
"Do you know what pain feels like?" The question startled Nathan so much that he wasn't sure how to respond.  
  
Finally he answered, "Not your pain, no."  
  
Lucas sighed heavily. "No, I suppose not. You can't understand." He opened his eyes and looked intently at Bridger. The Captain was shocked at the pain he saw revealed in those blue eyes.  
  
Nathan moved a few steps closer to Lucas and took Lucas' hand in his and squeezed it before replying, "Just because I don't understand your pain doesn't mean I can't be here to listen to you. I can try..."  
  
"It's not something you exactly want to feel, Captain," he replied. "I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Not even my father..." Lucas said softly.  
  
"I know what your father did, Lucas. While you were unconscious the doctor examined you, and Tony filled in the bits and pieces we didn't know."  
  
"Ah, Tony. Where is he?" Lucas asked.   
  
"Right here, Lucas," a soft voice said from behind the Captain. Tony hesitantly stepped into the room.  
  
"I'll leave you two alone. I'll be back later, kiddo," the Captain replied before he left the room silently.  
  
"Why'd you do it, Lucas?" Tony asked softly.  
  
"Too much pain. I didn't know where to go. I didn't think anyone cared," Lucas said.  
  
"We care. We ran across half the ship to find you. And we still failed to stop you," Tony sighed softly.  
  
"Tony, even if you had found me before I did anything, or got me to come here, I still would have done it later. Don't blame yourself," Lucas whispered. "This is my problem."  
  
"But you're my friend," Tony insisted.  
  
"I know that. And I'm sorry... but I guess sorry doesn't cut it," Lucas said.  
  
Tony shrugged. "You could always clean my side of the room to make up for it," he joked.  
  
Lucas snickered softly. "Maybe..." his voice trailed off.  
  
"Lucas?" Tony asked.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Do you... you know..." Tony asked, obviously uncomfortable. "Do you still feel like doing it?"  
  
Lucas adverted his eyes and studied the bed sheet a while before replying. "Yes. If you want the truth."  
  
Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I always want the truth. You know that. You know we'll get through this, Lucas," he whispered.  
  
Lucas nodded. "Somehow. Do you know when I get out of here? The food isn't that great," he joked.  
  
"Ummm... I think you have to stay here for a few days. And start counseling."  
  
Lucas nodded again. "I figured as much," he replied, not looking into Tony's eyes.  
  
Tony placed a hand on Lucas' arm. "Hey, we'll get through this," he said again. "You just don't rush these things."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Well, I'd better let you get some sleep, Luke. I'll see you later, okay?" Tony gave his arm a pat before he left the room.  
  
Lucas sighed and closed his eyes, drifting off to a restless sleep.  
  
*~*  
  
"Do you think he'll ever snap out of it, doctor?" Tony asked.  
  
"I don't know. He has a lot of work ahead of him. But he needs to want to live, or..." the doctor trailed off.  
  
Tony nodded. "And that will be hard. He already told me he still wants to die."  
  
Kristin said softly, "I figured as much. You go get some sleep. We'll watch over him."  
  
Tony looked like he wanted to protest but thought better of it. As he walked, he wondered where his friend was. The Lucas he knew from before - the one who always laughed at his jokes, smiled a lot, and seemed genuinely happy. Maybe that Lucas - the Lucas he knew - was fake, and the real Lucas was back in that bed. He just didn't know.  
  
But, he knew they'd get through this... somehow.  
  
  
Fin  



End file.
